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Alex Cabal 2022-04-14 12:01:49 -05:00
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<p>“It is a town,” said Judson Tate, “on the coast of a foreign country of which you know nothing and could understand less. It is a country governed by a dictator and controlled by revolutions and insubordination. It was there that a great life-drama was played, with Judson Tate, the homeliest man in America, and Fergus McMahan, the handsomest adventurer in history or fiction, and Señorita Anabela Zamora, the beautiful daughter of the alcalde of Oratama, as chief actors. And, another thing—nowhere else on the globe except in the department of <i xml:lang="es">Trienta y tres</i> in Uruguay does the <i xml:lang="es">chuchula</i> plant grow. The products of the country I speak of are valuable woods, dyestuffs, gold, rubber, ivory, and cocoa.”</p>
<p>“I was not aware,” said I, “that South America produced any ivory.”</p>
<p>“There you are twice mistaken,” said Judson Tate, distributing the words over at least an octave of his wonderful voice. “I did not say that the country I spoke of was in South America—I must be careful, my dear man; I have been in politics there, you know. But, even so—I have played chess against its president with a set carved from the nasal bones of the tapir—one of our native specimens of the order of <i xml:lang="la">perissodactyle ungulates</i> inhabiting the Cordilleras—which was as pretty ivory as you would care to see.</p>
<p>“But is was of romance and adventure and the ways of women that was I going to tell you, and not of zoological animals.</p>
<p>“But it was of romance and adventure and the ways of women that was I going to tell you, and not of zoological animals.</p>
<p>“For fifteen years I was the ruling power behind old Sancho Benavides, the Royal High Thumbscrew of the republic. Youve seen his picture in the papers—a mushy black man with whiskers like the notes on a Swiss music-box cylinder, and a scroll in his right hand like the ones they write births on in the family Bible. Well, that chocolate potentate used to be the biggest item of interest anywhere between the colour line and the parallels of latitude. It was three throws, horses, whether he was to wind up in the Hall of Fame or the Bureau of Combustibles. Hed have been sure called the Roosevelt of the Southern Continent if it hadnt been that Grover Cleveland was President at the time. Hed hold office a couple of terms, then hed sit out for a hand—always after appointing his own successor for the interims.</p>
<p>“But it was not Benavides, the Liberator, who was making all this fame for himself. Not him. It was Judson Tate. Benavides was only the chip over the bug. I gave him the tip when to declare war and increase import duties and wear his state trousers. But that wasnt what I wanted to tell you. How did I get to be It? Ill tell you. Because Im the most gifted talker that ever made vocal sounds since Adam first opened his eyes, pushed aside the smelling-salts, and asked: Where am I?</p>
<p>“As you observe, I am about the ugliest man you ever saw outside the gallery of photographs of the New England early Christian Scientists. So, at an early age, I perceived that what I lacked in looks I must make up in eloquence. That Ive done. I get what I go after. As the backstop and still small voice of old Benavides I made all the great historical powers-behind-the-throne, such as Talleyrand, <abbr>Mrs.</abbr> de Pompadour, and Loeb, look as small as the minority report of a Duma. I could talk nations into or out of debt, harangue armies to sleep on the battlefield, reduce insurrections, inflammations, taxes, appropriations or surpluses with a few words, and call up the dogs of war or the dove of peace with the same birdlike whistle. Beauty and epaulettes and curly moustaches and Grecian profiles in other men were never in my way. When people first look at me they shudder. Unless they are in the last stages of <i xml:lang="la">angina pectoris</i> they are mine in ten minutes after I begin to talk. Women and men—I win em as they come. Now, you wouldnt think women would fancy a man with a face like mine, would you?”</p>