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<h2 epub:type="title">A Bird of Bagdad</h2>
<p>Without a doubt much of the spirit and genius of the Caliph Harun Al Rashid descended to the Margrave August Michael von Paulsen Quigg.</p>
<p>Quiggs restaurant is in Fourth Avenue—that street that the city seems to have forgotten in its growth. Fourth Avenue—born and bred in the Bowery—staggers northward full of good resolutions.</p>
<p>Where it crosses Fourteenth Street it struts for a brief moment proudly in the glare of the museums and cheap theatres. It may yet become a fit mate for its highborn sister boulevard to the west, or its roaring, polyglot, broad-waisted cousin to the east. It passes Union Square; and here the hoofs of the dray horses seem to thunder in unison, recalling the tread of marching hosts—Hooray! But now come the silent and terrible mountains—buildings square as forts, high as the clouds, shutting out the sky, where thousands of slaves bend over desks all day. On the ground floors are only little fruit shops and laundries and book shops, where you see copies of “Littells Living Age” and <abbr class="name">G. W. M.</abbr> Reynolds novels in the windows. And next—poor Fourth Avenue!—the street glides into a medieval solitude. On each side are shops devoted to “Antiques.”</p>
<p>Where it crosses Fourteenth Street it struts for a brief moment proudly in the glare of the museums and cheap theatres. It may yet become a fit mate for its highborn sister boulevard to the west, or its roaring, polyglot, broad-waisted cousin to the east. It passes Union Square; and here the hoofs of the dray horses seem to thunder in unison, recalling the tread of marching hosts—Hooray! But now come the silent and terrible mountains—buildings square as forts, high as the clouds, shutting out the sky, where thousands of slaves bend over desks all day. On the ground floors are only little fruit shops and laundries and book shops, where you see copies of “Littells Living Age” and <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">G. W. M.</abbr> Reynolds novels in the windows. And next—poor Fourth Avenue!—the street glides into a medieval solitude. On each side are shops devoted to “Antiques.”</p>
<p>Let us say it is night. Men in rusty armor stand in the windows and menace the hurrying cars with raised, rusty iron gauntlets. Hauberks and helms, blunderbusses, Cromwellian breastplates, matchlocks, creeses, and the swords and daggers of an army of dead-and-gone gallants gleam dully in the ghostly light. Here and there from a corner saloon (lit with Jack-o-lanterns or phosphorus), stagger forth shuddering, home-bound citizens, nerved by the tankards within to their fearsome journey adown that eldrich avenue lined with the bloodstained weapons of the fighting dead. What street could live enclosed by these mortuary relics, and trod by these spectral citizens in whose sunken hearts scarce one good whoop or tra-la-la remained?</p>
<p>Not Fourth Avenue. Not after the tinsel but enlivening glories of the Little Rialto—not after the echoing drumbeats of Union Square. There need be no tears, ladies and gentlemen; tis but the suicide of a street. With a shriek and a crash Fourth Avenue dives headlong into the tunnel at Thirty-fourth and is never seen again.</p>
<p>Near the sad scene of the thoroughfares dissolution stood the modest restaurant of Quigg. It stands there yet if you care to view its crumbling redbrick front, its show window heaped with oranges, tomatoes, layer cakes, pies, canned asparagus—its papier-mâché lobster and two Maltese kittens asleep on a bunch of lettuce—if you care to sit at one of the little tables upon whose cloth has been traced in the yellowest of coffee stains the trail of the Japanese advance—to sit there with one eye on your umbrella and the other upon the bogus bottle from which you drop the counterfeit sauce foisted upon us by the cursed charlatan who assumes to be our dear old lord and friend, the “Nobleman in India.”</p>

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<p>“I am well aware of that,” said the other man, in cool, brittle tones. “Will you kindly receive my card?”</p>
<p>The cashier drew the small, spotless parallelogram inside the bars of his wicket, and read:</p>
<blockquote class="card">
<p><abbr class="name">J. F. C.</abbr> Nettlewick</p>
<p><abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">J. F. C.</abbr> Nettlewick</p>
<p>National Bank Examiner</p>
</blockquote>
<p>“Oh—er—will you walk around inside, <abbr>Mr.</abbr>—er—Nettlewick. Your first visit—didnt know your business, of course. Walk right around, please.”</p>

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<p>“Then Denver draws his chair up close and gives out his scheme.</p>
<p>Sully, says he, with seriousness and levity, Ive been a manager of one thing and another for over twenty years. Thats what I was cut out for—to have somebody else to put up the money and look after the repairs and the police and taxes while I run the business. I never had a dollar of my own invested in my life. I wouldnt know how it felt to have the dealer rake in a coin of mine. But I can handle other peoples stuff and manage other peoples enterprises. Ive had an ambition to get hold of something big—something higher than hotels and lumberyards and local politics. I want to be manager of something way up—like a railroad or a diamond trust or an automobile factory. Now here comes this little man from the tropics with just what I want, and hes offered me the job.</p>
<p>What job? I asks. Is he going to revive the Georgia Minstrels or open a cigar store?</p>
<p>Hes no coon, says Denver. Hes General Rompiro—General Josey Alfonso Sapolio Jew-Ann Rompiro—he has his cards printed by a news-ticker. Hes the real thing, Sully, and he wants me to manage his campaign—he wants Denver <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">C.</abbr> Galloway for a president-maker. Think of that, Sully! Old Denver romping down to the tropics, plucking lotus-flowers and pineapples with one hand and making presidents with the other! Wont it make Uncle Mark Hanna mad? And I want you to go too, Sully. You can help me more than any man I know. Ive been herding that brown man for a month in the hotel so he wouldnt stray down Fourteenth Street and get roped in by that crowd of refugee tamale-eaters down there. And hes landed, and <abbr class="name">D. C. G.</abbr> is manager of General <abbr class="name">J. A. S. J.</abbr> Rompiros presidential campaign in the great republic of—whats its name?</p>
<p>Hes no coon, says Denver. Hes General Rompiro—General Josey Alfonso Sapolio Jew-Ann Rompiro—he has his cards printed by a news-ticker. Hes the real thing, Sully, and he wants me to manage his campaign—he wants Denver <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">C.</abbr> Galloway for a president-maker. Think of that, Sully! Old Denver romping down to the tropics, plucking lotus-flowers and pineapples with one hand and making presidents with the other! Wont it make Uncle Mark Hanna mad? And I want you to go too, Sully. You can help me more than any man I know. Ive been herding that brown man for a month in the hotel so he wouldnt stray down Fourteenth Street and get roped in by that crowd of refugee tamale-eaters down there. And hes landed, and <abbr class="name">D. C. G.</abbr> is manager of General <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">J. A. S. J.</abbr> Rompiros presidential campaign in the great republic of—whats its name?</p>
<p>“Denver gets down an atlas from a shelf, and we have a look at the afflicted country. Twas a dark blue one, on the west coast, about the size of a special delivery stamp.</p>
<p>From what the General tells me, says Denver, and from what I can gather from the encyclopaedia and by conversing with the janitor of the Astor Library, itll be as easy to handle the vote of that country as it would be for Tammany to get a man named Geoghan appointed on the White Wings force.</p>
<p>Why dont General Rumptyro stay at home, says I, and manage his own canvass?</p>

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<article id="red-conlins-eloquence" epub:type="se:short-story">
<h2 epub:type="title">Red Conlins Eloquence</h2>
<p>They were speaking of the power of great orators, and each one had something to say of his especial favorite.</p>
<p>The drummer was for backing Bourke Cockran for oratory against the world, the young lawyer thought the suave Ingersoll the most persuasive pleader, and the insurance agent advanced the claims of the magnetic <abbr class="name">W. C. P.</abbr> Breckenridge.</p>
<p>The drummer was for backing Bourke Cockran for oratory against the world, the young lawyer thought the suave Ingersoll the most persuasive pleader, and the insurance agent advanced the claims of the magnetic <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">W. C. P.</abbr> Breckenridge.</p>
<p>“They all talk some,” said the old cattle man, who was puffing his pipe and listening, “but they couldnt hold a candle to Red Conlin, that run cattle below Santone in 80. Ever know Red?”</p>
<p>Nobody had had the honor.</p>
<p>“Red Conlin was a natural orator; he wasnt overcrowded with book learnin, but his words come free and easy, like whisky out of a new faucet from a full barrel. He was always in a good humor and smilin clear across his face, and if he asked for a hot biscuit he did it like he was pleadin for his life. He was one man who had the gift of gab, and it never failed him.</p>

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<p>It could do no worse, says I.</p>
<p>From my earliest recollections, says he, alcohol seemed to stimulate my sense of recitation and rhetoric. Why, in Bryans second campaign, says Andy, they used to give me three gin rickeys and Id speak two hours longer than Billy himself could on the silver question. Finally, they persuaded me to take the gold cure.</p>
<p>If youve got to get rid of your excess verbiage, says I, why not go out on the river bank and speak a piece? It seems to me there was an old spellbinder named Cantharides that used to go and disincorporate himself of his windy numbers along the seashore.</p>
<p>No, says Andy, I must have an audience. I feel like if I once turned loose people would begin to call Senator Beveridge the Grand Young Sphinx of the Wabash. Ive got to get an audience together, Jeff, and get this oral distension assuaged or it may turn in on me and Id go about feeling like a deckle-edge edition de luxe of <abbr>Mrs.</abbr> <abbr class="name">E. D. E. N.</abbr> Southworth.</p>
<p>No, says Andy, I must have an audience. I feel like if I once turned loose people would begin to call Senator Beveridge the Grand Young Sphinx of the Wabash. Ive got to get an audience together, Jeff, and get this oral distension assuaged or it may turn in on me and Id go about feeling like a deckle-edge edition de luxe of <abbr>Mrs.</abbr> <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">E. D. E. N.</abbr> Southworth.</p>
<p>On what special subject of the theorems and topics does your desire for vocality seem to be connected with? I asks.</p>
<p>I aint particular, says Andy. I am equally good and varicose on all subjects. I can take up the matter of Russian immigration, or the poetry of John <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">W.</abbr> Keats, or the tariff, or Kabyle literature, or drainage, and make my audience weep, cry, sob and shed tears by turns.</p>
<p>Well, Andy, says I, if you are bound to get rid of this accumulation of vernacular suppose you go out in town and work it on some indulgent citizen. Me and the boys will take care of the business. Everybody will be through dinner pretty soon, and salt pork and beans makes a man pretty thirsty. We ought to take in $1,500 more by midnight.</p>

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<p>“Thus Homer <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">P.</abbr> Mellinger made oration to me and Henry Horsecollar. And, later, he divested himself of this remark:</p>
<p>Boys, Im to hold a soirée this evening with a gang of leading citizens, and I want your assistance. You bring the musical corn sheller and give the affair the outside appearance of a function. Theres important business on hand, but it mustnt show. I can talk to you people. Ive been pained for years on account of not having anybody to blow off and brag to. I get homesick sometimes, and Id swap the entire perquisites of office for just one hour to have a stein and a caviar sandwich somewhere on Thirty-fourth Street, and stand and watch the street cars go by, and smell the peanut roaster at old Giuseppes fruit stand.</p>
<p>Yes, said I, theres fine caviar at Billy Renfrews café, corner of Thirty-fourth and</p>
<p>God knows it, interrupts Mellinger, and if youd told me you knew Billy Renfrew Id have invented tons of ways of making you happy. Billy was my side-kicker in New York. There is a man who never knew what crooked was. Here I am working Honesty for a graft, but that man loses money on it. <i xml:lang="es">Carrambos!</i> I get sick at times of this country. Everythings rotten. From the executive down to the coffee pickers, theyre plotting to down each other and skin their friends. If a mule driver takes off his hat to an official, that man figures it out that hes a popular idol, and sets his pegs to stir up a revolution and upset the administration. Its one of my little chores as private secretary to smell out these revolutions and affix the kibosh before they break out and scratch the paint off the government property. Thats why Im down here now in this mildewed coast town. The governor of the district and his crew are plotting to uprise. Ive got every one of their names, and theyre invited to listen to the phonograph tonight, compliments of <abbr class="name">H. P. M.</abbr> Thats the way Ill get them in a bunch, and things are on the programme to happen to them.</p>
<p>God knows it, interrupts Mellinger, and if youd told me you knew Billy Renfrew Id have invented tons of ways of making you happy. Billy was my side-kicker in New York. There is a man who never knew what crooked was. Here I am working Honesty for a graft, but that man loses money on it. <i xml:lang="es">Carrambos!</i> I get sick at times of this country. Everythings rotten. From the executive down to the coffee pickers, theyre plotting to down each other and skin their friends. If a mule driver takes off his hat to an official, that man figures it out that hes a popular idol, and sets his pegs to stir up a revolution and upset the administration. Its one of my little chores as private secretary to smell out these revolutions and affix the kibosh before they break out and scratch the paint off the government property. Thats why Im down here now in this mildewed coast town. The governor of the district and his crew are plotting to uprise. Ive got every one of their names, and theyre invited to listen to the phonograph tonight, compliments of <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">H. P. M.</abbr> Thats the way Ill get them in a bunch, and things are on the programme to happen to them.</p>
<p>“We three were sitting at table in the cantina of the Purified Saints. Mellinger poured out wine, and was looking some worried; I was thinking.</p>
<p>Theyre a sharp crowd, he says, kind of fretful. Theyre capitalized by a foreign syndicate after rubber, and theyre loaded to the muzzle for bribing. Im sick, goes on Mellinger, of comic opera. I want to smell East River and wear suspenders again. At times I feel like throwing up my job, but Im dn fool enough to be sort of proud of it. “Theres Mellinger,” they say here. “<i xml:lang="es">Por Dios!</i> you cant touch him with a million.” Id like to take that record back and show it to Billy Renfrew some day; and that tightens my grip whenever I see a fat thing that I could corral just by winking one eye—and losing my graft. By ⸻, they cant monkey with me. They know it. What money I get I make honest and spend it. Some day Ill make a pile and go back and eat caviar with Billy. Tonight Ill show you how to handle a bunch of corruptionists. Ill show them what Mellinger, private secretary, means when you spell it with the cotton and tissue paper off.</p>
<p>“Mellinger appears shaky, and breaks his glass against the neck of the bottle.</p>