[Waifs] [Editorial] any one -> anyone

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vr8hub 2019-11-02 00:51:06 -05:00
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<p>My wife had some anxious hours in conjecturing where I spent my afternoons. I thought it best not to tell her; women do not understand these things. Poor girl!—she had one shock out of it.</p>
<p>One day I brought home a silver coffin handle for a paper weight and a fine, fluffy hearse plume to dust my papers with.</p>
<p>I loved to see them on my desk, and think of the beloved back room down at Heffelbowers. But Louisa found them, and she shrieked with horror. I had to console her with some lame excuse for having them, but I saw in her eyes that the prejudice was not removed. I had to remove the articles, though, at double-quick time.</p>
<p>One day Peter Heffelbower laid before me a temptation that swept me off my feet. In his sensible, uninspired way he showed me his books, and explained that his profits and his business were increasing rapidly. He had thought of taking in a partner with some cash. He would rather have me than any one he knew. When I left his place that afternoon Peter had my check for the thousand dollars I had in the bank, and I was a partner in his undertaking business.</p>
<p>One day Peter Heffelbower laid before me a temptation that swept me off my feet. In his sensible, uninspired way he showed me his books, and explained that his profits and his business were increasing rapidly. He had thought of taking in a partner with some cash. He would rather have me than anyone he knew. When I left his place that afternoon Peter had my check for the thousand dollars I had in the bank, and I was a partner in his undertaking business.</p>
<p>I went home with feelings of delirious joy, mingled with a certain amount of doubt. I was dreading to tell my wife about it. But I walked on air. To give up the writing of humorous stuff, once more to enjoy the apples of life, instead of squeezing them to a pulp for a few drops of hard cider to make the pubic feel funny—what a boon that would be!</p>
<p>At the supper table Louisa handed me some letters that had come during my absence. Several of them contained rejected manuscript. Ever since I first began going to Heffelbowers my stuff had been coming back with alarming frequency. Lately I had been dashing off my jokes and articles with the greatest fluency. Previously I had labored like a bricklayer, slowly and with agony.</p>
<p>Presently I opened a letter from the editor of the weekly with which I had a regular contract. The checks for that weekly article were still our main dependence. The letter ran thus:</p>

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<p>George, who had been headed in my direction, slowly swivelled around and faced his employer. “Bein a camp cook, I aint overburdened with hosses,” George enlightened us. “Therefore, I am going to try to borrow this fellers here.”</p>
<p>For the first time in four days my soul gave a genuine cheer. “If its for Lochinvar purposes, go as far as you like,” I said, grandly.</p>
<p>The cook studied me a moment, as if trying to find an insult in my words. “No,” he replied. “Its for mine and the young ladys purposes, and well go only three miles—to Hicksville. Now let me tell you somethin, Ross.” Suddenly I was confronted with the cooks chunky back and I heard a low, curt, carrying voice shoot through the room at my host. George had wheeled just as Ross started to speak. “Youre nutty. Thats whats the matter with you. You cant stand the snow. Youre getting nervouser, and nuttier every day. That and this Dago”—he jerked a thumb at the half-dead Frenchman in the corner—“has got you to the point where I thought I better horn in. I got to revolving it around in my mind and I seen if somethin wasnt done, and done soon, thered be murder around here and maybe”—his head gave an imperceptible list toward the girls room—“worse.”</p>
<p>He stopped, but he held up a stubby finger to keep any one else from speaking. Then he plowed slowly through the drift of his ideas. “About this here woman. I know you, Ross, and I know what you reely think about women. If she hadnt happened in here durin this here snow, youd never have given two thoughts to the whole woman question. Likewise, when the storm clears, and you and the boys go hustlin out, this here whole business ll clear out of your head and you wont think of a skirt again until Kingdom Come. Just because o this snow here, dont forget youre living in the selfsame world you was in four days ago. And youre the same man, too. Now, whats the use o getting all snarled up over four days of stickin in the house? That theres what I been revolvin in my mind and this heres the decision Ive come to.”</p>
<p>He stopped, but he held up a stubby finger to keep anyone else from speaking. Then he plowed slowly through the drift of his ideas. “About this here woman. I know you, Ross, and I know what you reely think about women. If she hadnt happened in here durin this here snow, youd never have given two thoughts to the whole woman question. Likewise, when the storm clears, and you and the boys go hustlin out, this here whole business ll clear out of your head and you wont think of a skirt again until Kingdom Come. Just because o this snow here, dont forget youre living in the selfsame world you was in four days ago. And youre the same man, too. Now, whats the use o getting all snarled up over four days of stickin in the house? That theres what I been revolvin in my mind and this heres the decision Ive come to.”</p>
<p>He plodded to the door and shouted to one of the ranch hands to saddle my horse.</p>
<p>Ross lit a stogy and stood thoughtful in the middle of the room. Then he began: “Ive a durn good notion, George, to knock your confounded head off and throw you into that snowbank, if—”</p>
<p>“Youre wrong, mister. That aint a durned good notion youve got. Its durned bad. Look here!” He pointed steadily out of doors until we were both forced to follow his finger. “Youre in here for moren a week yet.” After allowing this fact to sink in, he barked out at Ross: “Can you cook?” Then at me: “Can you cook?” Then he looked at the wreck of Etienne and sniffed.</p>