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[PS] First pass of proofreading corrections
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<p>A weary-looking man with dejected auburn whiskers, walked into the police station yesterday afternoon and said to the officer in charge:</p>
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<p>“I want to give myself up. I expect you had better handcuff me and put me into a real dark cell where there are plenty of spiders and mice. I’m one of the worst men you ever saw, and I waive trial. Please tell the jailer to give me moldy bread to eat, and hydrant water with plenty of sulphur in it.”</p>
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<p>“What have you done?” asked the officer.</p>
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<p>“I’m a miserable, low-down, lying, good-fornothing, slandering, drunken, villainous, sacrilegious galoot, and I’m not fit to die. You might ask the jailer, also, to bring little boys in to look at me through the bars, while I gnash my teeth and curse in demoniac rage.”</p>
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<p>“I’m a miserable, low-down, lying, good-for-nothing, slandering, drunken, villainous, sacrilegious galoot, and I’m not fit to die. You might ask the jailer, also, to bring little boys in to look at me through the bars, while I gnash my teeth and curse in demoniac rage.”</p>
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<p>“We can’t put you in jail unless you have committed some offense. Can’t you bring some more specific charge against yourself?”</p>
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<p>“No, I just want to give myself up on general principles. You see, I went to hear Sam Jones[1] last night, and he saw me in the crowd and diagnosed my case to a T. Up to that time I thought I was a four-horse team with a yellow dog under the wagon, but Sam took the negative side and won. I’m a danged old sore-eyed hound dog; I wouldn’t mind if you kicked me a few times before you locked me up, and sent my wife word that the old villain that has been abusin’ her for twenty years has met his deserts.”</p>
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<p>“No, I just want to give myself up on general principles. You see, I went to hear Sam Jones<a href="endnotes.xhtml#note-1" id="noteref-1" epub:type="noteref">1</a> last night, and he saw me in the crowd and diagnosed my case to a T. Up to that time I thought I was a four-horse team with a yellow dog under the wagon, but Sam took the negative side and won. I’m a danged old sore-eyed hound dog; I wouldn’t mind if you kicked me a few times before you locked me up, and sent my wife word that the old villain that has been abusin’ her for twenty years has met his deserts.”</p>
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<p>“Aw, come now,” said the officer, “I don’t believe you are as bad as you think you are. You don’t know that Sam Jones was talking about you at all. It might have been somebody else he was hitting. Brace up and don’t let it worry you.”</p>
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<p>Lemme see, said the weary-looking man reflectively. “Come to think of it there was one of my neighbors sitting right behind me who is the meanest man in Houston. He is a mangy pup, and no mistake. He beats his wife and has refused to loan me three dollars five different times. What Sam said just fits his case exactly. If I thought now—”</p>
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<p>“That’s the way to look at it,” said the officer. “The chances are Sam wasn’t thinking about you at all.”</p>
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<p>Durned if I believe he was, now I remember about that neighbor of mine,” said the penitent, beginning to brighten up. “You don’t know what a weight you’ve taken off my mind. I was just feeling like I was one of the worst sinners in the world. I’ll bet any man ten dollars he was talking right straight at that miserable, contemptible scalawag that sat right behind me. Say, come on and let’s go out and take somethin’, will you?”</p>
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<p>The officer declined and the weary-looking man ran his finger down his neck and pulled his collar up into sight and said:</p>
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<p>“I’ll never forget your kindness, sir, in helping me out of this worry. It has made me feel bad all day. I am going out to the race-track now, and take the field against the favorite for a few plunks. Good day, I shall always remember your kindness.”</p>
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<p>1 The methods of the <abbr>Rev.</abbr> Sam Jones, who was the Billy Sunday of his time, were frequently the subject of O. Henry’s satire.</p>
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</section>
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</body>
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</html>
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@ -1,17 +1,19 @@
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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
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<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xmlns:epub="http://www.idpf.org/2007/ops" epub:prefix="z3998: http://www.daisy.org/z3998/2012/vocab/structure/, se: https://standardebooks.org/vocab/1.0" xml:lang="en-US">
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<head>
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<title>A Conditional Far Don</title>
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<title>A Conditional Pardon</title>
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<link href="../css/core.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css"/>
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<link href="../css/local.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css"/>
|
||||
</head>
|
||||
<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
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<section id="a-conditional-far-don" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
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<h2 epub:type="title">A Conditional Far Don</h2>
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<h2 epub:type="title">A Conditional Pardon</h2>
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<p>The runaway couple had just returned, and she knelt at the old man’s feet and begged forgiveness.</p>
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<p>“Yes, forgive us,” cried the newly wedded husband. “Forgive me for taking her away from you, but see, I have brought her back.”</p>
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<p>“Yes,” said the old man, his voice trembling with emotion, “you have brought her back. You have brought her back. Bat that is not all, lad; you have brought her back, but you have also brought the part of her that eats provisions. I will forgive you for fifty dollars per month, lights and washing extra.”</p>
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<hr/>
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<p>It is but justice to the Pension Bureau at Washington to state that they have not yet granted the pension claimed by a man who was wounded in the late unpleasantness by the accidental discharge of his duty.</p>
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<hr/>
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<p>A careful inquiry has revealed the fact that Samson was the first man who rushed the growler.</p>
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<p>Better blow your own horn than one you haven’t paid for.</p>
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<p>If your rye offend you, buy a better quality.</p>
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@ -8,9 +8,8 @@
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<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
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<section id="a-fatal-error" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
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<h2 epub:type="title">A Fatal Error</h2>
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<p>What are you looking so glum about?”</p>
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<p>asked a Houston man as he dropped into a friend’s office on Christmas Day.</p>
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<p>“Same old fool break of putting a letter in the wrong envelope, and Pm afraid to go home. My wife sent me down a note by the hired man an hour ago, telling me to send her ten dollars, and asking me to meet her here at the office at three o’clock and go shopping with her. At the same time I got a bill for ten dollars from a merchant I owe, asking me to remit. I scribbled off a note to the merchant saying: ‘Can’t possibly do it. I’ve got to meet another little thing to-day that won’t be put off.’ I made the usual mistake and sent the merchant the ten dollars and my wife the note.”</p>
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<p>What are you looking so glum about?” asked a Houston man as he dropped into a friend’s office on Christmas Day.</p>
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<p>“Same old fool break of putting a letter in the wrong envelope, and I’m afraid to go home. My wife sent me down a note by the hired man an hour ago, telling me to send her ten dollars, and asking me to meet her here at the office at three o’clock and go shopping with her. At the same time I got a bill for ten dollars from a merchant I owe, asking me to remit. I scribbled off a note to the merchant saying: ‘Can’t possibly do it. I’ve got to meet another little thing to-day that won’t be put off.’ I made the usual mistake and sent the merchant the ten dollars and my wife the note.”</p>
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<p>“Can’t you go home and explain the mistake to your wife?”</p>
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<p>“You don’t know her. I’ve done all I can. I’ve taken out an accident policy for $10,000 good for two hours, and I expect her here in fifteen minutes. Tell all the boys good-by for me, and if you meet a lady on the stairs as you go down keep close to the wall.”</p>
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</section>
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@ -8,10 +8,10 @@
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<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
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<section id="a-green-hand" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
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<h2 epub:type="title">A Green Hand</h2>
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<p>I shall never again employ any but experienced salesmen, who thoroughly understand the jewelry business,” said a Houston jeweler to a friend yesterday.</p>
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<p>You see, at Christmas time we generally need more help, and sometimes employ people who can sell goods, but are not familiar with the fine points of the business. Now, that young man over there is thoroughly good and polite to every one, but he has just lost me one of my best customers.”</p>
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<p>“I shall never again employ any but experienced salesmen, who thoroughly understand the jewelry business,” said a Houston jeweler to a friend yesterday.</p>
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<p>“You see, at Christmas time we generally need more help, and sometimes employ people who can sell goods, but are not familiar with the fine points of the business. Now, that young man over there is thoroughly good and polite to every one, but he has just lost me one of my best customers.”</p>
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<p>“How was that?” asked the friend.</p>
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<p>‘A man who always trades with us came in with his wife last week and with her assistance selected a magnificent diamond pin that he had promised her for a Christmas present and told this young man to lay it aside for him till to-day.</p>
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<p>“A man who always trades with us came in with his wife last week and with her assistance selected a magnificent diamond pin that he had promised her for a Christmas present and told this young man to lay it aside for him till to-day.”</p>
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<p>“I see, said the friend, “and he sold it to someone else and disappointed him.”</p>
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<p>“It’s plain you don’t know much about married men, said the jeweler. “That idiot of a clerk actually saved the pin for him and he had to buy it.”</p>
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</section>
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@ -9,7 +9,7 @@
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<section id="a-narrow-escape" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
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<h2 epub:type="title">A Narrow Escape</h2>
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<p>Meek-looking man, with one eye and a timid, shuffling gait, entered a Houston saloon while no one was in except the bartender, and said:</p>
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<p>“Excuse me, sir, but would you permit me to step behind the bar for just a moment^ You can keep your eye on me. There is something there I wanted to look at.”</p>
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<p>“Excuse me, sir, but would you permit me to step behind the bar for just a moment? You can keep your eye on me. There is something there I wanted to look at.”</p>
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<p>The bartender was not busy, and humored him through curiosity.</p>
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<p>The meek-looking man stepped around and toward the shelf back of the bar.</p>
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<p>“Would you kindly remove that wine bottle and those glasses for a moment?”</p>
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@ -9,7 +9,7 @@
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<section id="a-righteous-outburst" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
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<h2 epub:type="title">A Righteous Outburst</h2>
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<p>He smelled of gin and his whiskers resembled the cylinder of a Swiss music box. He walked into a toy shop on Main Street yesterday and leaned sorrowfully against the counter.</p>
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<p>“Anything to-day? asked the proprietor coldly.</p>
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<p>“Anything to-day?” asked the proprietor coldly.</p>
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<p>He wiped an eye with a dingy red handkerchief and said:</p>
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<p>“Nothing at all, thank you. I just came inside to shed a tear. I do not like to obtrude my grief upon the passers-by. I have a little daughter, sir; five years of age, with curly golden hair. Her name is Lilian. She says to me this morning: ‘Papa, will Santa Claus bring me a red wagon for Christmas? It completely unmanned me, sir, as, alas, I am out of work and penniless. Just think, one little red wagon would bring her happiness, and there are children who have hundreds of red wagons.”</p>
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<p>“Before you go out,” said the proprietor, “which you are going to do in about fifteen seconds, I am willing to inform you that I have a branch store on Trains Street, and was around there yesterday. You came in and made the same talk about your little girl, whom you called Daisy, and I gave you a wagon. It seems you don’t remember your little girl’s name very well.”</p>
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@ -10,7 +10,7 @@
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<h2 epub:type="title">An Opportunity Declined</h2>
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<p>A farmer who lives about four miles from Houston noticed a stranger in his front yard one afternoon last week acting in a rather unusual manner. He wore a pair of duck trousers stuffed in his boots, and had a nose the color of Elgin pressed brick. In his hand he held a sharpened stake about two feet long, which he would stick into the ground, and after sighting over it at various objects would pull it up and go through the same performance at another place.</p>
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<p>The farmer went out in the yard and inquired what he wanted.</p>
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<p>“Wait just a minute,” said the stranger, squinting his eye over the stick at the chicken house. “Now, that’s it to a T. You see, I’m one of de odnance corps of engineers what’s runnin’ de line of the new railroad from Columbus, Ohio, to Houston. See? De other fellers is over de hill wid de transit and de baggage. Dere’s over a million dollars in de company. See? Dey sent me on ahead to locate a place for a big passenger depot, to cost $27,000. De foundation will commence right by your chicken house. Say, I gives you a pointer. You charge ’em high for dis land. Dey’ll stand fifty thousand. ’Cause why? ’Cause dey’s got de money and dey’s got to build de depot right where I says. See? I’ve got to go on into Houston to record a deed for a right of way, and I never thought to get fifty cents from de treasurer. He’s a little man with light pants. You might let me have de fifty cents and when de boys comes along in de mornin’ tell ’em what you did, and any one of ’em’ hand you a dollar. You might ask ’em fifty-five thousand, if you—”</p>
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<p>“Wait just a minute,” said the stranger, squinting his eye over the stick at the chicken house. “Now, that’s it to a <i epub:type="z3998:grapheme">T</i>. You see, I’m one of de odnance corps of engineers what’s runnin’ de line of the new railroad from Columbus, Ohio, to Houston. See? De other fellers is over de hill wid de transit and de baggage. Dere’s over a million dollars in de company. See? Dey sent me on ahead to locate a place for a big passenger depot, to cost $27,000. De foundation will commence right by your chicken house. Say, I gives you a pointer. You charge ’em high for dis land. Dey’ll stand fifty thousand. ’Cause why? ’Cause dey’s got de money and dey’s got to build de depot right where I says. See? I’ve got to go on into Houston to record a deed for a right of way, and I never thought to get fifty cents from de treasurer. He’s a little man with light pants. You might let me have de fifty cents and when de boys comes along in de mornin’ tell ’em what you did, and any one of ’em’ hand you a dollar. You might ask ’em fifty-five thousand, if you—”</p>
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<p>“You throw that stick over the fence, and get the axe and cut up exactly half a cord of that wood, stove length, and I’ll give you a quarter and your supper,” said the farmer. “Does the proposition strike you favorably?”</p>
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<p>“And are you goin’ to t’row away de opportunity of havin’ dat depot built right here, and sellin’ out—”</p>
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<p>“Yes, I need the ground for my chicken coop.”</p>
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@ -8,7 +8,7 @@
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<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
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<section id="book-reviews" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
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<h2 epub:type="title">Book Reviews</h2>
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<p>Unnabridged Dictionary by Noah U Webster, L. L. D. F. R. S. <span epub:type="z3998:roman">X</span>. Y. Z.</p>
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<p>Unnabridged Dictionary by Noah U Webster, <abbr>L. L. D. F. R. S. X. Y. Z.</abbr></p>
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<p>We find on our table quite an exhaustive treatise on various subjects, written in <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Webster’s well-known, lucid, and piquant style. There is not a dull line between the covers of the book. The range of subjects is wide, and the treatment light and easy without being flippant. A valuable feature of the work is the arranging of the articles in alphabetical order, thus facilitating the finding of any particular word desired. <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Webster’s vocabulary is large, and he always uses the right word in the right place. <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Webster’s work is thorough and we predict that he will be heard from again.</p>
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<p>Houston’s City Directory, by Morrison and Fourmy.</p>
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<p>This new book has the decided merit of being non-sensational. In these days of erratic and ultra-imaginative literature of the modern morbid self-analytical school it is a relief to peruse a book with so little straining after effect, so well balanced, and so pure in sentiment. It is a book that a man can place in the hands of the most innocent member of his family with the utmost confidence. Its material is healthy, and its literary style excellent, as it adheres to the methods used with such thrilling effect by <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Webster in his famous dictionary, viz: alphabetical arrangement.</p>
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@ -8,7 +8,7 @@
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<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
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||||
<section id="by-easy-stages" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
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<h2 epub:type="title">By Easy Stages</h2>
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<p>You’re at the wrong place,” said Cerberus. -I “This is the gate that leads to the infernal regions, while it is a passport to Heaven that you have handed me.”</p>
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<p>You’re at the wrong place,” said Cerberus. “This is the gate that leads to the infernal regions, while it is a passport to Heaven that you have handed me.”</p>
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<p>“I know it,” said the departed shade wearily, “but it allows a stop-over here; you see, I’m from Galveston and I have got to make the change gradually.”</p>
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</section>
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||||
</body>
|
||||
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@ -13,7 +13,7 @@
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<p>“I think so—no, I don’t know; excuse me, please, I’ve got to catch that car.”</p>
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<p>“Hold on, man; great goodness alive, you don’t know what danger you are in. If a sharp particle of the nail gets into your lungs, inflammation is bound to set in, and finally laceration, consumption, hemorrhage, fits, coma, tuberculosis, and death. Think of it! And by the way, a new bacillus has been found in water in which roses have been left standing that is very fatal. I want to warn you. Do you know that—”</p>
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<p>“Say, old man, I’m much obliged, but this letter—”</p>
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<p>“What is a letter compared with your life? There are 10,000,000 animalcules in a spoonful of ordinary hydrant water; there are 2000 different varieties known. Do you ever put salt in your beer?”</p>
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<p>“What is a letter compared with your life? There are 10,000,000 animalcules in a spoonful of ordinary hydrant water; there are 2,000 different varieties known. Do you ever put salt in your beer?”</p>
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<p>“I don’t know; I really must go, I—”</p>
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<p>“Don’t hold me responsible for your life, I’m trying to save it. Why, Heavens, man, it’s nothing but a miracle that we live a single day. In every glass of beer there is an infinitesimal quantity of hydrochloric acid. Salt is a chloride of sodium, and the union releases the chlorine. You are drinking chlorine gas every day of your life. Pause, before it is too late.”</p>
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<p>“I don’t drink beer.”</p>
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<p>“Every one praised you?” asked Marian.</p>
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<p>“All but one. <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Judson sat back in his chair and never applauded at all. He told me after I had finished that he was afraid I had very little dramatic talent at all.”</p>
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<p>“Now,” said Marian. “You know who is sincere and genuine?”</p>
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<p>“Yes,” said the beautiful girl, with eyes shining with enthusiasm. “The test was a complete success. I detest that odious Judson, and Pm going to begin studying for the stage right away.”</p>
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<p>“Yes,” said the beautiful girl, with eyes shining with enthusiasm. “The test was a complete success. I detest that odious Judson, and I’m going to begin studying for the stage right away.”</p>
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</section>
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</body>
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||||
</html>
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17
src/epub/text/endnotes.xhtml
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17
src/epub/text/endnotes.xhtml
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@ -0,0 +1,17 @@
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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
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||||
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xmlns:epub="http://www.idpf.org/2007/ops" epub:prefix="z3998: http://www.daisy.org/z3998/2012/vocab/structure/, se: https://standardebooks.org/vocab/1.0" xml:lang="en-US">
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<head>
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<title>Endnotes</title>
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<link href="../css/core.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css"/>
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||||
<link href="../css/local.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css"/>
|
||||
</head>
|
||||
<body epub:type="backmatter z3998:non-fiction">
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||||
<section id="endnotes" epub:type="endnotes">
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<ol>
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<li id="note-1" epub:type="endnote">
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<p>The methods of the <abbr>Rev.</abbr> Sam Jones, who was the Billy Sunday of his time, were frequently the subject of O. Henry’s satire. <a href="a-cheering-thought.xhtml#noteref-1" epub:type="backlink">↩</a></p>
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</li>
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||||
</ol>
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||||
</section>
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||||
</body>
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||||
</html>
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@ -9,7 +9,7 @@
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<section id="explaining-it" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
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<h2 epub:type="title">‘Explaining It</h2>
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<p>Member of the Texas Legislature from one of the eastern counties was at the chrysanthemum, show at Turner Hall last Thursday night, and was making himself agreeable to one of the lady managers.</p>
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<p>“You were in the House at the last session, I believe ?” she inquired.</p>
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<p>“You were in the House at the last session, I believe?” she inquired.</p>
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<p>“Well, madam,” he said, “I was in the House, but the Senate had me for about forty-five dollars when we adjourned.”</p>
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</section>
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||||
</body>
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||||
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@ -8,7 +8,7 @@
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<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
|
||||
<section id="getting-at-the-facts" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
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<h2 epub:type="title">Getting at the Facts</h2>
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<p>It was late in the afternoon and the day staff A was absent. The night editor had just come in, pulled off his coat, vest, collar, and necktie, rolled up his shirt-sleeves and eased down his suspenders, and was getting ready for work.</p>
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<p>It was late in the afternoon and the day staff was absent. The night editor had just come in, pulled off his coat, vest, collar, and necktie, rolled up his shirt-sleeves and eased down his suspenders, and was getting ready for work.</p>
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<p>Some one knocked timidly outside the door, and the night editor yelled, “Come in.”</p>
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<p>A handsome young lady with entreating blue eyes and a Psyche knot entered with a rolled manuscript in her hand.</p>
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<p>The night editor took it silently and unrolled it. It was a poem and he read it half aloud with a convulsive jaw movement that resulted from his organs of speech being partially engaged with about a quarter of a plug of chewing tobacco. The poem ran thus:</p>
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<p>“Sir!” said the young lady indignantly. “There is nothing of the kind intimated in the poem. The lines are imaginary and are intended to express the sorrow of a poet’s friend at his untimely demise.”</p>
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<p>Why, miss,” said the night editor, “it plainly refers to midnight oil, and a crash, and when the light blew up the gent was left for dead in the room.”</p>
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<p>“You horrid thing,” said the young lady, “give me my manuscript. I will bring it back when the literary editor is in.”</p>
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<p>“Pm sorry,” said the night editor as he handed her the roll. “We’re short on news to-night, and it would have made a nice little scoop. Don’t happen to know of any accidents in your ward: births, runaways, holdups, or breach of promise suits, do you?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“I’m sorry,” said the night editor as he handed her the roll. “We’re short on news to-night, and it would have made a nice little scoop. Don’t happen to know of any accidents in your ward: births, runaways, holdups, or breach of promise suits, do you?”</p>
|
||||
<p>But the slamming of the door was the only answer from the fair poetess.</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
</body>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -13,8 +13,7 @@
|
||||
<p>“I don’t care to see them. We have sm—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Small children only, eh? Well, Madam, here are some building blocks that are very instructive and amusing. No? Well, let me show you some beautiful lace window curtains for your sitting room, handmade and a great bargain. I can—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“I don’t want them. We have sm—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Smoking in the house? It won’t injure them in the least. Just shake them out in the morning and I guarantee not a vestige of tobacco smoke will remain. Here also I have a very ingenious bell for awakening lazy servants in the morning.</p>
|
||||
<p>You simply touch a button and—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Smoking in the house? It won’t injure them in the least. Just shake them out in the morning and I guarantee not a vestige of tobacco smoke will remain. Here also I have a very ingenious bell for awakening lazy servants in the morning. You simply touch a button and—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“I tell you we have sm—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Have smart servants, have you? Well, that is a blessing. Now, here is a clothes line that is one of the wonders of the age. It needs no pins and can be fastened to anything—fence, side of the house, or tree. It can be raised or lowered in an instant, and for a large washing is the most convenient and labor-saving invention that—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“I say we have small—”</p>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -8,8 +8,8 @@
|
||||
<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
|
||||
<section id="her-ruse" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">Her Ruse</h2>
|
||||
<p>How do I keep John home of nights?” asked a Houston lady cf a friend the other day.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Well, I struck a plan once by a sudden inspiration, and it worked very nicely. John had been in a habit of going down town every night after supper and staying until ten or eleven o’clock. One night he left as usual, and after going three or four blocks he found he had forgotten his umbrella and came back for it. I was in the sitting room reading, and he slipped in the room on his tiptoes and came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes. John expected me to be very much startled, I suppose, but I only said softly, Ts that you, Tom?’ John hasn’t been down town at night since.”</p>
|
||||
<p>How do I keep John home of nights?” asked a Houston lady of a friend the other day.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Well, I struck a plan once by a sudden inspiration, and it worked very nicely. John had been in a habit of going down town every night after supper and staying until ten or eleven o’clock. One night he left as usual, and after going three or four blocks he found he had forgotten his umbrella and came back for it. I was in the sitting room reading, and he slipped in the room on his tiptoes and came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes. John expected me to be very much startled, I suppose, but I only said softly, Is that you, Tom?’ John hasn’t been down town at night since.”</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
</body>
|
||||
</html>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -8,7 +8,7 @@
|
||||
<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
|
||||
<section id="his-tension" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">His Tension</h2>
|
||||
<p>Speaking of the $140,000,000 paid out yearly by the government in pensions,” said a prominent member of Hood’s brigade to the Post’s representative, “I am told that a man in Indiana applied for a pension last month on account of a surgical operation he had performed on him during the war. And what do you suppose that surgical operation was?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Speaking of the $140,000,000 paid out yearly by the government in pensions,” said a prominent member of Hood’s brigade to the Post’s representative, “I am told that a man in Indiana applied for a pension last month on account of a surgical operation he had performed on him during the war. And what do you suppose that surgical operation was?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Haven’t the least idea.”</p>
|
||||
<p>“He had his retreat cut off at the battle of Gettysburg!”</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -10,7 +10,7 @@
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">Hungry Henry’s Ruse</h2>
|
||||
<p>Hungry Henry: Madam, I am state agent for a new roller-action, unbreakable, double-elastic suspender. Can I show you some?</p>
|
||||
<p><abbr>Mrs.</abbr> Lonestreet: No, there ain’t no man on the place.</p>
|
||||
<p>Hungry Henry: Well, then, I am also handling something unique in the way of a silvermounted, morocco leather, dog collar, with name engraved free of charge. Perhaps</p>
|
||||
<p>Hungry Henry: Well, then, I am also handling something unique in the way of a silvermounted, morocco leather, dog collar, with name engraved free of charge. Perhaps—</p>
|
||||
<p><abbr>Mrs.</abbr> Lonestreet: ’Tain’t no use. I ain’t got a dog.</p>
|
||||
<p>Hungry Henry: Hat’s what I wanted to know. Now fix me de best supper you’se kin, and do it quick or it won’t be healthy fur you. See?</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -9,16 +9,14 @@
|
||||
<section id="not-so-much-a-tam-fool" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">“Not So Much a Tam Fool”</h2>
|
||||
<p>A man without a collar, wearing a white vest and holes in his elbows, walked briskly into a Congress Street grocery last Saturday with a package in his hand and said:</p>
|
||||
<p>Here, Fritz, I bought two dozen eggs here this afternoon, and I find your clerk made a mistake, I—”</p>
|
||||
<p>Coom here, Emil,” shouted the grocer, “you hof dis shentleman sheated mit dos rotten eggs.</p>
|
||||
<p>Gif him ein dozen more, und—”</p>
|
||||
<p>But you don’t understand me,” said the man, with a pleasant smile. “The mistake is the other way. The eggs are all right; but you have given me too many. I only paid for two dozen, and on reaching home I find three dozen in the sack. I want to return the extra dozen, and I came back at once. I—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Here, Fritz, I bought two dozen eggs here this afternoon, and I find your clerk made a mistake, I—”</p>
|
||||
<p>Coom here, Emil,” shouted the grocer, “you hof dis shentleman sheated mit dos rotten eggs. Gif him ein dozen more, und—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“But you don’t understand me,” said the man, with a pleasant smile. “The mistake is the other way. The eggs are all right; but you have given me too many. I only paid for two dozen, and on reaching home I find three dozen in the sack. I want to return the extra dozen, and I came back at once. I—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Emil!” shouted the grocer again to his boy. “Gif dis man two dozen eggs at vonce. You haf shea ted him mit pad eggs. Don’d you do dot any more times or I discharge you.”</p>
|
||||
<p>“But, sir,” said the man with the white vest, anxiously. “You gave me too many eggs for my money, and I want to return a dozen. I am too honest to—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Emil,” said the grocer, “gif dis man t’ree dozen goot fresh eggs at vonce and let him go. Ve makes pad eggs good ven ve sells dem. Hurry up quick and put in drei or four extra vons.”</p>
|
||||
<p>“But, listen to me, sir,” said the man. “I want to—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Say, mein frindt,” said the grocer in a lower voice, “you petter dake dose eggs und go home.</p>
|
||||
<p>I know vat you pring pack dose eggs for. If I dake dem, I say, ‘Veil, dot is ein very good man; he vas honest py dose eggs, aind’t it?’ Den you coom pack Monday und you puy nine tollers’ vorth of vlour and paeon and canned goots, and ^ you say you bay me Saturday night. I was not so much a tarn fool as eferypody say I look like. You petter dake dose t’ree dozen eggs and call it skvare. Ve always correct leedle misdakes ven ve make dem. Emil, you petter make it t’ree - dozen und a half fur good measure, and put in two t’ree stick candy for die kinder.”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Say, mein frindt,” said the grocer in a lower voice, “you petter dake dose eggs und go home. I know vat you pring pack dose eggs for. If I dake dem, I say, ‘Veil, dot is ein very good man; he vas honest py dose eggs, aind’t it?’ Den you coom pack Monday und you puy nine tollers’ vorth of vlour and paeon and canned goots, and you say you bay me Saturday night. I was not so much a tarn fool as eferypody say I look like. You petter dake dose t’ree dozen eggs and call it skvare. Ve always correct leedle misdakes ven ve make dem. Emil, you petter make it t’ree - dozen und a half fur good measure, and put in two t’ree stick candy for die kinder.”</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
</body>
|
||||
</html>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -8,7 +8,7 @@
|
||||
<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
|
||||
<section id="one-consolation" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">One Consolation</h2>
|
||||
<p>Breakfast was over and Adam had gone -U to his daily occupation of pasting the names of the animals on their cages. Eve took the parrot to one side and said: “It was this way. He made a big kick about those biscuits not being good at breakfast.”</p>
|
||||
<p>Breakfast was over and Adam had gone to his daily occupation of pasting the names of the animals on their cages. Eve took the parrot to one side and said: “It was this way. He made a big kick about those biscuits not being good at breakfast.”</p>
|
||||
<p>“And what did you say?” asked the parrot.</p>
|
||||
<p>“I told him there was one consolation; he couldn’t say his mother ever made any better ones.”</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -9,7 +9,7 @@
|
||||
<section id="recognition" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">Recognition</h2>
|
||||
<p>The new woman came in with a firm and confident tread. She hung her hat on a nail, stood her cane in the corner, and kissed her husband gayly as he was mixing the biscuit for supper.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Any luck to-day, dearie?’ asked the man as his careworn face took on an anxious expression.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Any luck to-day, dearie?” asked the man as his careworn face took on an anxious expression.</p>
|
||||
<p>“The best of luck,” she said with a joyous smile. “The day has come when the world recognizes woman as man’s equal in everything. She is no longer content to occupy a lower plane than his, and is his competitor in all the fields of action. I obtained a position to-day at fifty dollars per week for the entire season.”</p>
|
||||
<p>“What is the position?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Female impersonator at the new theater.”</p>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -8,7 +8,7 @@
|
||||
<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
|
||||
<section id="relieved" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">Relieved</h2>
|
||||
<p>A Houston gentleman who is worth somewhere up in the hundreds of thousands and lives on eleven dollars a week, was sitting in his private office a few days ago, when a desperatelooking man entered and closed the door carefully behind him. The man had an evil, villainouslooking face, and in his hand he held with the utmost care an oblong, square-shaped package. “What do you want?” asked the capitalist.</p>
|
||||
<p>A Houston gentleman who is worth somewhere up in the hundreds of thousands and lives on eleven dollars a week, was sitting in his private office a few days ago, when a desperatelooking man entered and closed the door carefully behind him. The man had an evil, villainous-looking face, and in his hand he held with the utmost care an oblong, square-shaped package. “What do you want?” asked the capitalist.</p>
|
||||
<p>“I must have money,” hissed the stranger. I am starving while you are rolling in wealth. Do you see this little package? Do you know what it contains?”</p>
|
||||
<p>The wealthy citizen sprang from his desk in horror, pale with fright.</p>
|
||||
<p>“No, no,” he gasped. “You would not be so cruel, so heartless.”</p>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -8,7 +8,7 @@
|
||||
<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
|
||||
<section id="ridiculous" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">Ridiculous</h2>
|
||||
<p>He following conundrum was left at the office yesterday by a young man, who immediately fled:</p>
|
||||
<p>The following conundrum was left at the office yesterday by a young man, who immediately fled:</p>
|
||||
<p>“Why is the coming Sunday like a very young body?”</p>
|
||||
<p>Answer: “Because it’s neck’s weak.”</p>
|
||||
<p>We do not see any reason why this should be the case. It is impossible for Sunday or any other day in the week to have a neck. The thing is printed merely to show what kind of stuff people send in to the paper.</p>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -9,7 +9,9 @@
|
||||
<section id="the-apple" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">The Apple</h2>
|
||||
<p>A youth held in his hand a round, red, luscious apple.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Eat,” said the Spirit, “it is the apple.of life.” “I will have none of it,” said the Youth, and threw it far from him. “I will have success. I will have fame, fortune, power and knowledge.” “Come, then,” said the Spirit.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Eat,” said the Spirit, “it is the apple of life.”</p>
|
||||
<p>“I will have none of it,” said the Youth, and threw it far from him. “I will have success. I will have fame, fortune, power and knowledge.”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Come, then,” said the Spirit.</p>
|
||||
<p>They went together up steep and rocky paths. The sun scorched, the rain fell upon them, the mountain mists clung about them, and the snow fell in beautiful and treacherous softness, obscuring the way as they climbed. Time swiftly passed and the golden locks of the Youth took on the whiteness of the snow. His form grew bent with the toil of climbing; his hand grew weak and his voice quivering and high.</p>
|
||||
<p>The Spirit had not changed and upon his face was the inscrutable smile of wisdom.</p>
|
||||
<p>They stood at last upon the topmost peak. The old man that was the Youth said to the Spirit: “Give me the apple of Success. I have come upon the heights where it grows and it is mine. Be quick, for there is a strange dimness in my sight.”</p>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -13,9 +13,10 @@
|
||||
<p>Senior Partner: Do they give us another order?</p>
|
||||
<p>Junior Partner: Yes! The longest they have ever made.</p>
|
||||
<p>Senior Partner: Ship ’em C. O. D.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Well! how are they coining?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Well! how are they coming?”</p>
|
||||
<hr/>
|
||||
<p>“I’m getting a move on me,” said the checkerboard.</p>
|
||||
<p>“And Pm getting a head in the world,” said the piece of sensation news.</p>
|
||||
<p>“And I’m getting a head in the world,” said the piece of sensation news.</p>
|
||||
<p>“I’m dead in it,” said the spoiled bivalve at the clambake.</p>
|
||||
<p>“I think I shall get along well,” said the artesian water company.</p>
|
||||
<p>“And my work is all being cut out for me,” said the grape seed.</p>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -23,7 +23,7 @@
|
||||
<p>“Do you call that a joke, you shameless wretch?” she cried, spreading the paper before him.</p>
|
||||
<p>The man looked and read in dismay. In cutting out the catarrh advertisement he had never thought to see what was on the other side of it, and this was the item that appeared, to one reading the other side of the page, to have been clipped:</p>
|
||||
<p>A gentleman about town, who stands well in business circles, had a high old time last night in a certain restaurant where he entertained at supper a couple of chorus ladies belonging to the comic opera company now in the city. Loud talking and breaking of dishes attracted some attention, but the matter was smoothed over, owing to the prominence of the gentleman referred to.</p>
|
||||
<p>“You call that a joke, do you, you old reptile,” shrieked the excited lady. ‘Tm going home to mamma this evening and I’m going to stay there. Thought you’d fool me by cutting it out, did you^ You sneaking, dissipated old snake you! I’ve got my trunk nicely packed and I’m going straight home—don’t you come near me!”</p>
|
||||
<p>“You call that a joke, do you, you old reptile,” shrieked the excited lady. ‘Tm going home to mamma this evening and I’m going to stay there. Thought you’d fool me by cutting it out, did you? You sneaking, dissipated old snake you! I’ve got my trunk nicely packed and I’m going straight home—don’t you come near me!”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Maria,” gasped the bewildered man. “I swear I—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Don’t add perjury to your crimes, sir!”</p>
|
||||
<p>The man tried unsuccessfully to speak three or four times, and then grabbed his hat and ran down town. Fifteen minutes later he came back bringing two new silk dress patterns, four pounds of caramels, and his bookkeeper and three clerks to prove that he was hard at work in the store on the night in question.</p>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -35,10 +35,12 @@
|
||||
<p>“Of course; you said it was Alex Sweet, the ‘Texas Siftings’ man.”</p>
|
||||
<p>“So I understood,” said the fat man. “The hotel clerk said it was Alex Sweet.”</p>
|
||||
<p>He handed them the card and skipped out the side door. The card read:</p>
|
||||
<p><abbr class="name">L. X.</abbr> Wheat</p>
|
||||
<p>Representing Kansas City</p>
|
||||
<p>Smith and Jones Mo.</p>
|
||||
<p>Wholesale Undertakers’ Supplies</p>
|
||||
<blockquote>
|
||||
<p><b><abbr class="name">L. X.</abbr> Wheat</b></p>
|
||||
<p>Representing Kansas City</p>
|
||||
<p>Smith and Jones Mo.</p>
|
||||
<p>Wholesale Undertakers’ Supplies</p>
|
||||
</blockquote>
|
||||
<p>The crowd was out $32 on treats, and they armed themselves and are laying for the fat man. When a stranger attempts to be funny in San Antonio now, he has to produce proper credentials in writing before he can raise a smile.</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
</body>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -19,6 +19,7 @@
|
||||
<p>“Sir knight, prithee tell me of what that marvelous shaky and rusty-looking armor of thine is made?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Oh, king,” said the young knight, “seeing that we are about to engage in a big fight, I would call it scrap iron, wouldn’t you?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Ods bodikins!” said the king. “The youth hath a pretty wit.”</p>
|
||||
<hr/>
|
||||
<p>The tourney lasted the whole day and at the end but two of the knights were left, one of them being the princess’s lover.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Here’s enough for a fight, anyhow,” said the king. “Come hither, oh knights, will ye joust for the hand of this lady fair?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“We joust will,” said the knights.</p>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -8,7 +8,7 @@
|
||||
<body epub:type="bodymatter z3998:fiction">
|
||||
<section id="the-strangers-appeal" epub:type="volume se:short-story">
|
||||
<h2 epub:type="title">The Stranger’s Appeal</h2>
|
||||
<p>He was tall and angular and had a keen gray eye and a -solemn face. His dark coat was buttoned high and had something of a clerical cut. His pepper and salt trousers almost cleared the tops of his shoes, but his tall hat was undeniably respectable, and one would have said he was a country preacher out for a holiday. He was driving a light wagon, and he stopped and climbed out when he came up to where five or six men were sitting on the post-office porch in a little country town in Texas.</p>
|
||||
<p>He was tall and angular and had a keen gray eye and a solemn face. His dark coat was buttoned high and had something of a clerical cut. His pepper and salt trousers almost cleared the tops of his shoes, but his tall hat was undeniably respectable, and one would have said he was a country preacher out for a holiday. He was driving a light wagon, and he stopped and climbed out when he came up to where five or six men were sitting on the post-office porch in a little country town in Texas.</p>
|
||||
<p>“My friends,” he said, “you all look like intelligent men, and I feel it my duty to say a few words to you in regard to the terrible and deplorable state of things now existing in this section of the country. I refer to the horrible barbarities recently perpetrated in the midst of some of the most civilized of Texas towns, when human beings created in the image of their Maker were subjected to cruel torture and then inhumanly burned in the public streets. Something must be done to wipe the stigma from the fair name of your state. Do you not agree with me?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Are you from Galveston, stranger?” asked one of the men.</p>
|
||||
<p>“No, sir. I am from Massachusetts, the cradle of liberty of the down-trodden negro, and the home of the champions of his cause. These burnings are causing us to weep tears of blood and I am here to see if I can not move your hearts to pity on his behalf.”</p>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -12,7 +12,7 @@
|
||||
<p>When they got to feeling a little mellow they sat down at a table and commenced lying. Not maliciously, but just ordinary, friendly lying, about the things they had seen and done. They all tried their hand at relating experiences, and as the sky was clear, there was no matinee performance of the Ananias tragedy.</p>
|
||||
<p>Finally the judge suggested the concoction of a fine large julep—a julep that would render the use of curling irons unnecessary—and the one who told the most improbable story should be allowed to produce the vacuum in the straws.</p>
|
||||
<p>The major and the judge led off with a couple of marvelous narratives which were about a tie. The colonel moistened his lips as his eye rested on the big glass filled with diamonds and amber, and crowned with fragrant mint. He commenced his story:</p>
|
||||
<p>“The incident I am about to relate is not only wonderful, but true. It happened in this very town on Saturday afternoon. I got up rather early Saturday morning, as I had a big day’s work ahead of me. My wife fixed me up a rattling good cocktail when I got up and I was feeling pretty good. When I came down stairs she handed me a five-dollar bill that had dropped out of my pocket and said: ‘John, you must really get a better looking housemaid. Jane is so homely, and you never did admire her. See if you can find a real nice-looking one—and John, dear, you are working too hard. You must really have some recreation. Why not take Miss Muggins, your typewriter, out for a drive this afternoon^ Then you might stop at the milliner’s and tell them not to send up that hat I ordered, and—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“The incident I am about to relate is not only wonderful, but true. It happened in this very town on Saturday afternoon. I got up rather early Saturday morning, as I had a big day’s work ahead of me. My wife fixed me up a rattling good cocktail when I got up and I was feeling pretty good. When I came down stairs she handed me a five-dollar bill that had dropped out of my pocket and said: ‘John, you must really get a better looking housemaid. Jane is so homely, and you never did admire her. See if you can find a real nice-looking one—and John, dear, you are working too hard. You must really have some recreation. Why not take Miss Muggins, your typewriter, out for a drive this afternoon? Then you might stop at the milliner’s and tell them not to send up that hat I ordered, and—”</p>
|
||||
<p>“Hold on. Colonel,” said the judge. “You just drink that mint julep right now. You needn’t go any further with your story.”</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
</body>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -26,9 +26,9 @@
|
||||
<p>The hearts of all the men bounded with excitement as they neared the spot.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Are we in time?” was the silent question in the mind of each.</p>
|
||||
<p>They dashed into an open space of prairie and drew rein near Spotted Lightning’s tent. The flap was closed. The troopers swung themselves from their horses.</p>
|
||||
<p>If it is as I fear,” muttered the general hoarsely to the lieutenant, “it means war with the Kioma nation. Oh, why did he not take some other instead of my daughter?”</p>
|
||||
<p>“If it is as I fear,” muttered the general hoarsely to the lieutenant, “it means war with the Kioma nation. Oh, why did he not take some other instead of my daughter?”</p>
|
||||
<p>At that instance the door of the tent opened and Inez Splasher, the general’s daughter, a maiden of about thirty-seven summers, emerged, bearing in her hand the gory scalp of Spotted Lightning.</p>
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<p>‘Too late!” cried the general as he fell senseless from his horse.</p>
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<p>“Too late!” cried the general as he fell senseless from his horse.</p>
|
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<p>“I knew it,” said Bowie Knife Bill, folding his arms with a silent smile, “but what surprises me is how he ever got this far alive.”</p>
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</section>
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</body>
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@ -13,7 +13,7 @@
|
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<p>When the car arrived at that street the conductor rang the bell and the car stopped.</p>
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<p>“Pease Avenue, ma’am,” he said, climbing off to assist her from the car.</p>
|
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<p>The lady raised the little boy to his knees and pointed out the window at the name of the street which was on a board, nailed to the corner of a fence.</p>
|
||||
<p>“Look, Freddy,” she said, “that tall, straight letter with a funny little curl at the top is a ‘P/ Now don’t forget it again. You can go on, conductor ; we get off at Gray Street.”</p>
|
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<p>“Look, Freddy,” she said, “that tall, straight letter with a funny little curl at the top is a ‘<i epub:type="z3998:grapheme">P</i>.’ Now don’t forget it again. You can go on, conductor; we get off at Gray Street.”</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
</body>
|
||||
</html>
|
||||
|
||||
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Reference in New Issue
Block a user