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<meta id="long-description" property="se:long-description" refines="#description"> LONG_DESCRIPTION </meta>
<dc:language>en-US</dc:language>
<dc:source>https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1805</dc:source>
<dc:source>https://archive.org/details/gentlegrafter02henrgoog</dc:source>
<meta property="se:production-notes">Any special notes about the production of this ebook for future editors/producers? Remove this element if not.</meta>
<meta property="se:word-count">WORD_COUNT</meta>
<meta property="se:reading-ease.flesch">READING_EASE</meta>

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<p>“Andy is walking up and down the room looking at his watch.</p>
<p>Well? he says.</p>
<p>Twenty-five hundred, says I. Cash.</p>
<p>Weve got just eleven minutes, says Andy, to catch the B. &amp; O. westbound. Grab your baggage.</p>
<p>Weve got just eleven minutes, says Andy, to catch the B. &amp; O. westbound. Grab your baggage.</p>
<p>Whats the hurry, says I. It was a square deal. And even if it was only an imitation of the original carving itll take him some time to find it out. He seemed to be sure it was the genuine article.</p>
<p>It was, says Andy. It was his own. When I was looking at his curios yesterday he stepped out of the room for a moment and I pocketed it. Now, will you pick up your suit case and hurry?</p>
<p>Then, says I, why was that story about finding another one in the pawn</p>

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<p>That town of Mountain Valley wasnt going. About a dozen people permeated along the sidewalks; but what you saw mostly was rain-barrels and roosters, and boys poking around with sticks in piles of ashes made by burning the scenery of Uncle Tom shows.</p>
<p>And just then there passes down on the other side of the street a high man in a long black coat and a beaver hat. All the people in sight bowed, and some crossed the street to shake hands with him; folks came out of stores and houses to holler at him; women leaned out of windows and smiled; and all the kids stopped playing to look at him. Our landlord stepped out on the porch and bent himself double like a carpenters rule, and sung out, “Good morning, Colonel,” when he was a dozen yards gone by.</p>
<p>“And is that Alexander, pa?” says Caligula to the landlord; “and why is he called great?”</p>
<p>“That, gentlemen,” says the landlord, “is no less than Colonel Jackson T. Rockingham, the president of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad, mayor of Mountain Valley, and chairman of the Perry County board of immigration and public improvements.”</p>
<p>“That, gentlemen,” says the landlord, “is no less than Colonel Jackson T. Rockingham, the president of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad, mayor of Mountain Valley, and chairman of the Perry County board of immigration and public improvements.”</p>
<p>“Been away a good many years, hasnt he?” I asked.</p>
<p>“No, sir; Colonel Rockingham is going down to the post-office for his mail. His fellow-citizens take pleasure in greeting him thus every morning. The colonel is our most prominent citizen. Besides the height of the stock of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad, he owns a thousand acres of that land across the creek. Mountain Valley delights, sir, to honor a citizen of such worth and public spirit.”</p>
<p>“No, sir; Colonel Rockingham is going down to the post-office for his mail. His fellow-citizens take pleasure in greeting him thus every morning. The colonel is our most prominent citizen. Besides the height of the stock of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad, he owns a thousand acres of that land across the creek. Mountain Valley delights, sir, to honor a citizen of such worth and public spirit.”</p>
<p>For an hour that afternoon Caligula sat on the back of his neck on the porch and studied a newspaper, which was unusual in a man who despised print. When he was through he took me to the end of the porch among the sunlight and drying dishtowels. I knew that Caligula had invented a new graft. For he chewed the ends of his mustache and ran the left catch of his suspenders up and down, which was his way.</p>
<p>“What is it now?” I asks. “Just so it aint floating mining stocks or raising Pennsylvania pinks, well talk it over.”</p>
<p>“Pennsylvania pinks? Oh, that refers to a coin-raising scheme of the Keystoners. They burn the soles of old womens feet to make them tell where their moneys hid.”</p>
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<section id="hostages-to-momus-3" epub:type="chapter">
<h3 epub:type="z3998:roman">III</h3>
<p>Me and Caligula spent the next three days investigating the bunch of mountains into which we proposed to kidnap Colonel Jackson T. Rockingham. We finally selected an upright slice of topography covered with bushes and trees that you could only reach by a secret path that we cut out up the side of it. And the only way to reach the mountain was to follow up the bend of a branch that wound among the elevations.</p>
<p>Then I took in hand an important subdivision of the proceedings. I went up to Atlanta on the train and laid in a two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar supply of the most gratifying and efficient lines of grub that money could buy. I always was an admirer of viands in their more palliative and revised stages. Hog and hominy are not only inartistic to my stomach, but they give indigestion to my moral sentiments. And I thought of Colonel Jackson T. Rockingham, president of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad, and how he would miss the luxury of his home fare as is so famous among wealthy Southerners. So I sunk half of mine and Caligulas capital in as elegant a layout of fresh and canned provisions as Burdick Harris or any other professional kidnappee ever saw in a camp.</p>
<p>Then I took in hand an important subdivision of the proceedings. I went up to Atlanta on the train and laid in a two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar supply of the most gratifying and efficient lines of grub that money could buy. I always was an admirer of viands in their more palliative and revised stages. Hog and hominy are not only inartistic to my stomach, but they give indigestion to my moral sentiments. And I thought of Colonel Jackson T. Rockingham, president of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad, and how he would miss the luxury of his home fare as is so famous among wealthy Southerners. So I sunk half of mine and Caligulas capital in as elegant a layout of fresh and canned provisions as Burdick Harris or any other professional kidnappee ever saw in a camp.</p>
<p>I put another hundred in a couple of cases of Bordeaux, two quarts of cognac, two hundred Havana regalias with gold bands, and a camp stove and stools and folding cots. I wanted Colonel Rockingham to be comfortable; and I hoped after he gave up the ten thousand dollars he would give me and Caligula as good a name for gentlemen and entertainers as the Greek man did the friend of his that made the United States his bill collector against Africa.</p>
<p>When the goods came down from Atlanta, we hired a wagon, moved them up on the little mountain, and established camp. And then we laid for the colonel.</p>
<p>We caught him one morning about two miles out from Mountain Valley, on his way to look after some of his burnt umber farm land. He was an elegant old gentleman, as thin and tall as a trout rod, with frazzled shirt-cuffs and specs on a black string. We explained to him, brief and easy, what we wanted; and Caligula showed him, careless, the handle of his forty-five under his coat.</p>
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<p>About four oclock in the afternoon, Caligula, who was acting as lookout, calls to me:</p>
<p>“I have to report a white shirt signalling on the starboard bow, sir.”</p>
<p>I went down the mountain and brought back a fat, red man in an alpaca coat and no collar.</p>
<p>“Gentlemen,” says Colonel Rockingham, “allow me to introduce my brother, Captain Duval C. Rockingham, vice-president of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad.”</p>
<p>“Gentlemen,” says Colonel Rockingham, “allow me to introduce my brother, Captain Duval C. Rockingham, vice-president of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad.”</p>
<p>“Otherwise the King of Morocco,” says I. “I reckon you dont mind my counting the ransom, just as a business formality.”</p>
<p>“Well, no, not exactly,” says the fat man, “not when it comes. I turned that matter over to our second vice-president. I was anxious after Brother Jacksons safetiness. I reckon hell be along right soon. What does that lobster salad you mentioned taste like, Brother Jackson?”</p>
<p><abbr>Mr.</abbr> Vice-President,” says I, “youll oblige us by remaining here till the second <span epub:type="z3998:roman">V</span>. P. arrives. This is a private rehearsal, and we dont want any roadside speculators selling tickets.”</p>
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<p>While he is talking, two men crawl from under the bushes into camp, and Caligula, with no white flag to disinter him from his plain duty, draws his gun. But again Colonel Rockingham intervenes and introduces <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Jones and <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Batts, engineer and fireman of train number forty-two.</p>
<p>“Excuse us,” says Batts, “but me and Jim have hunted squirrels all over this mounting, and we dont need no white flag. Was that straight, colonel, about the plum pudding and pineapples and real store cigars?”</p>
<p>“Towel on a fishing-pole in the offing!” howls Caligula. “Suppose its the firing line of the freight conductors and brakeman.”</p>
<p>“My last trip down,” says I, wiping off my face. “If the S. &amp; E. T. wants to run an excursion up here just because we kidnapped their president, let em. Well put out our sign. The Kidnappers Café and Trainmens Home.’ ”</p>
<p>“My last trip down,” says I, wiping off my face. “If the S. &amp; E. T. wants to run an excursion up here just because we kidnapped their president, let em. Well put out our sign. The Kidnappers Café and Trainmens Home.’ ”</p>
<p>This time I caught Major Tallahassee Tucker by his own confession, and I felt easier. I asked him into the creek, so I could drown him if he happened to be a track-walker or caboose porter. All the way up the mountain he driveled to me about asparagus on toast, a thing that his intelligence in life had skipped.</p>
<p>Up above I got his mind segregated from food and asked if he had raised the ransom.</p>
<p>“My dear sir,” says he, “I succeeded in negotiating a loan on thirty thousand dollars worth of the bonds of our railroad, and—”</p>
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<p>“He says,” I answered, “that he succeeded in negotiating the loan.”</p>
<p>If any cooks ever earned ten thousand dollars in twelve hours, me and Caligula did that day. At six oclock we spread the top of the mountain with as fine a dinner as the personnel of any railroad ever engulfed. We opened all the wine, and we concocted entrées and pièces de resistance, and stirred up little savory chef de cuisines and organized a mass of grub such as has been seldom instigated out of canned and bottled goods. The railroad gathered around it, and the wassail and diversions was intense.</p>
<p>After the feast me and Caligula, in the line of business, takes Major Tucker to one side and talks ransom. The major pulls out an agglomeration of currency about the size of the price of a town lot in the suburbs of Rabbitville, Arizona, and makes this outcry.</p>
<p>“Gentlemen,” says he, “the stock of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville railroad has depreciated some. The best I could do with thirty thousand dollars worth of the bonds was to secure a loan of eighty-seven dollars and fifty cents. On the farming lands of Colonel Rockingham, Judge Pendergast was able to obtain, on a ninth mortgage, the sum of fifty dollars. You will find the amount, one hundred and thirty-seven fifty, correct.”</p>
<p>“Gentlemen,” says he, “the stock of the Sunrise &amp; Edenville railroad has depreciated some. The best I could do with thirty thousand dollars worth of the bonds was to secure a loan of eighty-seven dollars and fifty cents. On the farming lands of Colonel Rockingham, Judge Pendergast was able to obtain, on a ninth mortgage, the sum of fifty dollars. You will find the amount, one hundred and thirty-seven fifty, correct.”</p>
<p>“A railroad president,” said I, looking this Tucker in the eye, “and the owner of a thousand acres of land; and yet—”</p>
<p>“Gentlemen,” says Tucker, “The railroad is ten miles long. There dont any train run on it except when the crew goes out in the pines and gathers enough lightwood knots to get up steam. A long time ago, when times was good, the net earnings used to run as high as eighteen dollars a week. Colonel Rockinghams land has been sold for taxes thirteen times. There hasnt been a peach crop in this part of Georgia for two years. The wet spring killed the watermelons. Nobody around here has money enough to buy fertilizer; and land is so poor the corn crop failed and there wasnt enough grass to support the rabbits. All the people have had to eat in this section for over a year is hog and hominy, and—”</p>
<p>“Pick,” interrupts Caligula, mussing up his red hair, “what are you going to do with that chickenfeed?”</p>
<p>I hands the money back to Major Tucker; and then I goes over to Colonel Rockingham and slaps him on the back.</p>
<p>“Colonel,” says I, “I hope youve enjoyed our little joke. We dont want to carry it too far. Kidnappers! Well, wouldnt it tickle your uncle? My names Rhinegelder, and Im a nephew of Chauncey Depew. My friends a second cousin of the editor of <i epub:type="se:name.publication.magazine">Puck</i>. So you can see. We are down South enjoying ourselves in our humorous way. Now, theres two quarts of cognac to open yet, and then the jokes over.”</p>
<p>Whats the use to go into details? One or two will be enough. I remember Major Tallahassee Tucker playing on a jewsharp, and Caligula waltzing with his head on the watch pocket of a tall baggage-master. I hesitate to refer to the cakewalk done by me and <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Patterson G. Coble with Colonel Jackson T. Rockingham between us.</p>
<p>And even on the next morning, when you wouldnt think it possible, there was a consolation for me and Caligula. We knew that Raisuli himself never made half the hit with Burdick Harris that we did with the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad.</p>
<p>And even on the next morning, when you wouldnt think it possible, there was a consolation for me and Caligula. We knew that Raisuli himself never made half the hit with Burdick Harris that we did with the Sunrise &amp; Edenville Tap Railroad.</p>
</section>
</section>
</body>

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<p>“And so this inhabitant of the second city in the world reposes himself and begins to snore, while I sit there musing over things and wishing I was back in the West, where you could always depend on a customer fighting to keep his money hard enough to let your conscience take it from him.</p>
<p>“At half-past 5 Andy comes in and sees the sleeping form.</p>
<p>Ive been over to Trenton, says Andy, pulling a document out of his pocket. I think Ive got this matter fixed up all right, Jeff. Look at that.</p>
<p>“I open the paper and see that it is a corporation charter issued by the State of New Jersey to The Peters &amp; Tucker Consolidated and Amalgamated Aerial Franchise Development Company, Limited.</p>
<p>“I open the paper and see that it is a corporation charter issued by the State of New Jersey to The Peters &amp; Tucker Consolidated and Amalgamated Aerial Franchise Development Company, Limited.</p>
<p>Its to buy up rights of way for airship lines, explained Andy. The Legislature wasnt in session, but I found a man at a postcard stand in the lobby that kept a stock of charters on hand. There are 100,000 shares, says Andy, expected to reach a par value of $1. I had one blank certificate of stock printed.</p>
<p>“Andy takes out the blank and begins to fill it in with a fountain pen.</p>
<p>The whole bunch, says he, goes to our friend in dreamland for $5,000. Did you learn his name?</p>

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<p>“So we talks it over to the prominent citizens of Floresville, who falls in fine with the idea. They give a banquet in the engine house to us, and we make our bow for the first time as benefactors to the cause of progress and enlightenment. Andy makes an hour-and-a-half speech on the subject of irrigation in Lower Egypt, and we have a moral tune on the phonograph and pineapple sherbet.</p>
<p>“Andy and me didnt lose any time in philanthropping. We put every man in town that could tell a hammer from a step ladder to work on the building, dividing it up into class rooms and lecture halls. We wire to Frisco for a car load of desks, footballs, arithmetics, penholders, dictionaries, chairs for the professors, slates, skeletons, sponges, twenty-seven cravenetted gowns and caps for the senior class, and an open order for all the truck that goes with a first-class university. I took it on myself to put a campus and a curriculum on the list; but the telegraph operator must have got the words wrong, being an ignorant man, for when the goods come we found a can of peas and a currycomb among em.</p>
<p>“While the weekly papers was having chalk-plate cuts of me and Andy we wired an employment agency in Chicago to express us f.o.b., six professors immediately—one English literature, one up-to-date dead languages, one chemistry, one political economy—democrat preferred—one logic, and one wise to painting, Italian and music, with union card. The Esperanza bank guaranteed salaries, which was to run between $800 and $800.50.</p>
<p>“Well, sir, we finally got in shape. Over the front door was carved the words: The Worlds University; Peters &amp; Tucker, Patrons and Proprietors. And when September the first got a cross-mark on the calendar, the come-ons begun to roll in. First the faculty got off the tri-weekly express from Tucson. They was mostly young, spectacled, and redheaded, with sentiments divided between ambition and food. Andy and me got em billeted on the Floresvillians and then laid for the students.</p>
<p>“Well, sir, we finally got in shape. Over the front door was carved the words: The Worlds University; Peters &amp; Tucker, Patrons and Proprietors. And when September the first got a cross-mark on the calendar, the come-ons begun to roll in. First the faculty got off the tri-weekly express from Tucson. They was mostly young, spectacled, and redheaded, with sentiments divided between ambition and food. Andy and me got em billeted on the Floresvillians and then laid for the students.</p>
<p>“They came in bunches. We had advertised the University in all the state papers, and it did us good to see how quick the country responded. Two hundred and nineteen husky lads aging along from 18 up to chin whiskers answered the clarion call of free education. They ripped open that town, sponged the seams, turned it, lined it with new mohair; and you couldnt have told it from Harvard or Goldfields at the March term of court.</p>
<p>“They marched up and down the streets waving flags with the Worlds University colors—ultramarine and blue—and they certainly made a lively place of Floresville. Andy made them a speech from the balcony of the Skyview Hotel, and the whole town was out celebrating.</p>
<p>“In about two weeks the professors got the students disarmed and herded into classes. I dont believe theres any pleasure equal to being a philanthropist. Me and Andy bought high silk hats and pretended to dodge the two reporters of the Floresville Gazette. The paper had a man to kodak us whenever we appeared on the street, and ran our pictures every week over the column headed Educational Notes. Andy lectured twice a week at the University; and afterward I would rise and tell a humorous story. Once the Gazette printed my pictures with Abe Lincoln on one side and Marshall P. Wilder on the other.</p>

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<p>Shucks, now, says I, in the mountain idiom, dont tell me theres a man in Mount Nebo as bad as that.</p>
<p>Worse, says the storekeeper. He steals hogs.</p>
<p>“I think I will look up this <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Tatum; so a day or two after the constable turned him out I got acquainted with him and invited him out on the edge of town to sit on a log and talk business.</p>
<p>“What I wanted was a partner with a natural rural makeup to play a part in some little one-act outrages that I was going to book with the Pitfall &amp; Gin circuit in some of the Western towns; and this R. Tatum was born for the role as sure as nature cast Fairbanks for the stuff that kept Eliza from sinking into the river.</p>
<p>“What I wanted was a partner with a natural rural makeup to play a part in some little one-act outrages that I was going to book with the Pitfall &amp; Gin circuit in some of the Western towns; and this R. Tatum was born for the role as sure as nature cast Fairbanks for the stuff that kept Eliza from sinking into the river.</p>
<p>“He was about the size of a first baseman; and he had ambiguous blue eyes like the china dog on the mantelpiece that Aunt Harriet used to play with when she was a child. His hair waved a little bit like the statue of the dinkus-thrower at the Vacation in Rome, but the color of it reminded you of the Sunset in the Grand Canon, by an American Artist, that they hang over the stovepipe holes in the salongs. He was the Reub, without needing a touch. Youd have known him for one, even if youd seen him on the vaudeville stage with one cotton suspender and a straw over his ear.</p>
<p>“I told him what I wanted, and found him ready to jump at the job.</p>
<p>Overlooking such a trivial little peccadillo as the habit of manslaughter, says I, what have you accomplished in the way of indirect brigandage or nonactionable thriftiness that you could point to, with or without pride, as an evidence of your qualifications for the position?</p>

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<p>“Charming widow, beautiful, home loving, 32 years, possessing $3,000 cash and owning valuable country property, would remarry. Would prefer a poor man with affectionate disposition to one with means, as she realizes that the solid virtues are oftenest to be found in the humble walks of life. No objection to elderly man or one of homely appearance if faithful and true and competent to manage property and invest money with judgment. Address, with particulars.</p>
<footer>
<p>Lonely,</p>
<p class="signature">Care of Peters &amp; Tucker, agents, Cairo, Ill.</p>
<p class="signature">Care of Peters &amp; Tucker, agents, Cairo, Ill.</p>
</footer>
</blockquote>
<p>So far, so pernicious, says I, when we had finished the literary concoction. And now, says I, where is the lady.</p>
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<p>“With that one ad Andy and me put in twelve hours a day answering letters.</p>
<p>“About one hundred a day was what came in. I never knew there was so many large hearted but indigent men in the country who were willing to acquire a charming widow and assume the burden of investing her money.</p>
<p>“Most of them admitted that they ran principally to whiskers and lost jobs and were misunderstood by the world, but all of em were sure that they were so chock full of affection and manly qualities that the widow would be making the bargain of her life to get em.</p>
<p>“Every applicant got a reply from Peters &amp; Tucker informing him that the widow had been deeply impressed by his straightforward and interesting letter and requesting them to write again; stating more particulars; and enclosing photograph if convenient. Peters &amp; Tucker also informed the applicant that their fee for handing over the second letter to their fair client would be $2, enclosed therewith.</p>
<p>“Every applicant got a reply from Peters &amp; Tucker informing him that the widow had been deeply impressed by his straightforward and interesting letter and requesting them to write again; stating more particulars; and enclosing photograph if convenient. Peters &amp; Tucker also informed the applicant that their fee for handing over the second letter to their fair client would be $2, enclosed therewith.</p>
<p>“There you see the simple beauty of the scheme. About 90 percent of them domestic foreign noblemen raised the price somehow and sent it in. That was all there was to it. Except that me and Andy complained an amount about being put to the trouble of slicing open them envelopes, and taking the money out.</p>
<p>“Some few clients called in person. We sent em to <abbr>Mrs.</abbr> Trotter and she did the rest; except for three or four who came back to strike us for carfare. After the letters began to get in from the r.f.d. districts Andy and me were taking in about $200 a day.</p>
<p>“One afternoon when we were busiest and I was stuffing the two and ones into cigar boxes and Andy was whistling No Wedding Bells for Her a small slick man drops in and runs his eye over the walls like he was on the trail of a lost Gainesborough painting or two. As soon as I saw him I felt a glow of pride, because we were running our business on the level.</p>

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<p>“I know,” said Jeff Peters. “Ive read in history and mythology about Joan of Arc and <abbr>Mme.</abbr> Yale and <abbr>Mrs.</abbr> Caudle and Eve and other noted females of the past. But, in my opinion, the woman of today is of little use in politics or business. Whats she best in, anyway?—men make the best cooks, milliners, nurses, housekeepers, stenographers, clerks, hairdressers and launderers. About the only job left that a woman can beat a man in is female impersonator in vaudeville.”</p>
<p>“I would have thought,” said I, “that occasionally, anyhow, you would have found the wit and intuition of woman valuable to you in your lines of—er—business.”</p>
<p>“Now, wouldnt you,” said Jeff, with an emphatic nod—“wouldnt you have imagined that? But a woman is an absolutely unreliable partner in any straight swindle. Shes liable to turn honest on you when you are depending upon her the most. I tried em once.</p>
<p>“Bill Humble, an old friend of mine in the Territories, conceived the illusion that he wanted to be appointed United States Marshall. At that time me and Andy was doing a square, legitimate business of selling walking canes. If you unscrewed the head of one and turned it up to your mouth a half pint of good rye whiskey would go trickling down your throat to reward you for your act of intelligence. The deputies was annoying me and Andy some, and when Bill spoke to me about his officious aspirations, I saw how the appointment as Marshall might help along the firm of Peters &amp; Tucker.</p>
<p>“Bill Humble, an old friend of mine in the Territories, conceived the illusion that he wanted to be appointed United States Marshall. At that time me and Andy was doing a square, legitimate business of selling walking canes. If you unscrewed the head of one and turned it up to your mouth a half pint of good rye whiskey would go trickling down your throat to reward you for your act of intelligence. The deputies was annoying me and Andy some, and when Bill spoke to me about his officious aspirations, I saw how the appointment as Marshall might help along the firm of Peters &amp; Tucker.</p>
<p>Jeff, says Bill to me, you are a man of learning and education, besides having knowledge and information concerning not only rudiments but facts and attainments.</p>
<p>I do, says I, and I have never regretted it. I am not one, says I, who would cheapen education by making it free. Tell me, says I, which is of the most value to mankind, literature or horse racing?</p>
<p>Why—er—, playing the po—I mean, of course, the poets and the great writers have got the call, of course, says Bill.</p>
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<p>A woman like that, says Andy, ought to lead a man to the highest positions of opulence and fame.</p>
<p>I misdoubt, says I, if any woman ever helped a man to secure a job any more than to have his meals ready promptly and spread a report that the other candidates wife had once been a shoplifter. They are no more adapted for business and politics, says I, than Algernon Charles Swinburne is to be floor manager at one of Chuck Connors annual balls. I know, says I to Andy, that sometimes a woman seems to step out into the kalsomine light as the charge daffaires of her mans political job. But how does it come out? Say, they have a neat little berth somewhere as foreign consul of record to Afghanistan or lockkeeper on the Delaware and Raritan Canal. One day this man finds his wife putting on her overshoes and three months supply of bird seed into the canarys cage. “Sioux Falls?” he asks with a kind of hopeful light in his eye. “No, Arthur,” says she, “Washington. Were wasted here,” says she. “You ought to be Toady Extraordinary to the Court of <abbr>St.</abbr> Bridget or Head Porter of the Island of Porto Rico. Im going to see about it.”</p>
<p>Then this lady, I says to Andy, moves against the authorities at Washington with her baggage and munitions, consisting of five dozen indiscriminating letters written to her by a member of the Cabinet when she was 15; a letter of introduction from King Leopold to the Smithsonian Institution, and a pink silk costume with canary colored spats.</p>
<p>Well and then what? I goes. She has the letters printed in the evening papers that match her costume, she lectures at an informal tea given in the palm room of the B. &amp; O. Depot and then calls on the President. The ninth Assistant Secretary of Commerce and Labor, the first aide-de-camp of the Blue Room and an unidentified colored man are waiting there to grasp her by the hands—and feet. They carry her out to S.W. B. street and leave her on a cellar door. That ends it. The next time we hear of her she is writing postcards to the Chinese Minister asking him to get Arthur a job in a tea store.</p>
<p>Well and then what? I goes. She has the letters printed in the evening papers that match her costume, she lectures at an informal tea given in the palm room of the B. &amp; O. Depot and then calls on the President. The ninth Assistant Secretary of Commerce and Labor, the first aide-de-camp of the Blue Room and an unidentified colored man are waiting there to grasp her by the hands—and feet. They carry her out to S.W. B. street and leave her on a cellar door. That ends it. The next time we hear of her she is writing postcards to the Chinese Minister asking him to get Arthur a job in a tea store.</p>
<p>Then, says Andy, you dont think <abbr>Mrs.</abbr> Avery will land the Marshalship for Bill?</p>
<p>I do not, says I. I do not wish to be a septic, but I doubt if she can do as well as you and me could have done.</p>
<p>I dont agree with you, says Andy. Ill bet you she does. Im proud of having a higher opinion of the talent and the powers of negotiation of ladies.</p>

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<p>“The Peaviners took me by surprise and Bill by the bridle and began a conversation that wasnt entirely disassociated with the subject of fruit trees. A committee of em ran some trace-chains through the armholes of my vest, and escorted me through their gardens and orchards.</p>
<p>“Their fruit trees hadnt lived up to their labels. Most of em had turned out to be persimmons and dogwoods, with a grove or two of blackjacks and poplars. The only one that showed any signs of bearing anything was a fine young cottonwood that had put forth a hornets nest and half of an old corset-cover.</p>
<p>“The Peaviners protracted our fruitless stroll to the edge of town. They took my watch and money on account; and they kept Bill and the wagon as hostages. They said the first time one of them dogwood trees put forth an Amsdens June peach I might come back and get my things. Then they took off the trace chains and jerked their thumbs in the direction of the Rocky Mountains; and I struck a Lewis and Clark lope for the swollen rivers and impenetrable forests.</p>
<p>“When I regained intellectualness I found myself walking into an unidentified town on the A., T. &amp; S. F. railroad. The Peaviners hadnt left anything in my pockets except a plug of chewing—they wasnt after my life—and that saved it. I bit off a chunk and sits down on a pile of ties by the track to recogitate my sensations of thought and perspicacity.</p>
<p>“When I regained intellectualness I found myself walking into an unidentified town on the A., T. &amp; S. F. railroad. The Peaviners hadnt left anything in my pockets except a plug of chewing—they wasnt after my life—and that saved it. I bit off a chunk and sits down on a pile of ties by the track to recogitate my sensations of thought and perspicacity.</p>
<p>“And then along comes a fast freight which slows up a little at the town; and off of it drops a black bundle that rolls for twenty yards in a cloud of dust and then gets up and begins to spit soft coal and interjections. I see it is a young man broad across the face, dressed more for Pullmans than freights, and with a cheerful kind of smile in spite of it all that made Phœbe Snows job look like a chimney-sweeps.</p>
<p>Fall off? says I.</p>
<p>Nunk, says he. Got off. Arrived at my destination. What town is this?</p>