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<article id="aristocracy-versus-hash" epub:type="se:short-story">
<h2 epub:type="title">Aristocracy Versus Hash</h2>
<p>The snake reporter of <i epub:type="se:name.publication.magazine">The Rolling Stone</i> was wandering up the avenue last night on his way home from the <abbr class="initialism">Y.M.C.A.</abbr> rooms when he was approached by a gaunt, hungry-looking man with wild eyes and dishevelled hair. He accosted the reporter in a hollow, weak voice.</p>
<p>Can you tell me, Sir, where I can find in this town a family of scrubs?</p>
<p>I dont understand exactly.</p>
<p>Let me tell you how it is, said the stranger, inserting his forefinger in the reporters buttonhole and badly damaging his chrysanthemum. I am a representative from Soapstone County, and I and my family are houseless, homeless, and shelterless. We have not tasted food for over a week. I brought my family with me, as I have indigestion and could not get around much with the boys. Some days ago I started out to find a boarding house, as I cannot afford to put up at a hotel. I found a nice aristocratic-looking place, that suited me, and went in and asked for the proprietress. A very stately lady with a Roman nose came in the room. She had one hand laid across her stom—across her waist, and the other held a lace handkerchief. I told her I wanted board for myself and family, and she condescended to take us. I asked for her terms, and she said $300 per week.</p>
<p>I had two dollars in my pocket and I gave her that for a fine teapot that I broke when I fell over the table when she spoke.</p>
<p>“Can you tell me, Sir, where I can find in this town a family of scrubs?</p>
<p>I dont understand exactly.”</p>
<p>Let me tell you how it is,” said the stranger, inserting his forefinger in the reporters buttonhole and badly damaging his chrysanthemum. I am a representative from Soapstone County, and I and my family are houseless, homeless, and shelterless. We have not tasted food for over a week. I brought my family with me, as I have indigestion and could not get around much with the boys. Some days ago I started out to find a boarding house, as I cannot afford to put up at a hotel. I found a nice aristocratic-looking place, that suited me, and went in and asked for the proprietress. A very stately lady with a Roman nose came in the room. She had one hand laid across her stom—across her waist, and the other held a lace handkerchief. I told her I wanted board for myself and family, and she condescended to take us. I asked for her terms, and she said $300 per week.</p>
<p>“I had two dollars in my pocket and I gave her that for a fine teapot that I broke when I fell over the table when she spoke.</p>
<p>You appear surprised, says she. You will please remembah that I am the widow of Governor Riddle of Georgiah; my family is very highly connected; I give you board as a favah; I nevah considah money any equivalent for the advantage of my society, I</p>
<p>Well, I got out of there, and I went to some other places. The next lady was a cousin of General Mahone of Virginia, and wanted four dollars an hour for a back room with a pink motto and a Burnet granite bed in it. The next one was an aunt of Davy Crockett, and asked eight dollars a day for a room furnished in imitation of the Alamo, with prunes for breakfast and one hours conversation with her for dinner. Another one said she was a descendant of Benedict Arnold on her fathers side and Captain Kidd on the other.</p>
<p>She took more after Captain Kidd.</p>
<p>She only had one meal and prayers a day, and counted her society worth $100 a week.</p>
<p>I found nine widows of Supreme Judges, twelve relicts of Governors and Generals, and twenty-two ruins left by various happy Colonels, Professors, and Majors, who valued their aristocratic worth from $90 to $900 per week, with weak-kneed hash and dried apples on the side. I admire people of fine descent, but my stomach yearns for pork and beans instead of culture. Am I not right?</p>
<p>Your words, said the reporter, convince me that you have uttered what you have said.</p>
<p>Thanks. You see how it is. I am not wealthy; I have only my per diem and my perquisites, and I cannot afford to pay for high lineage and moldy ancestors. A little corned beef goes further with me than a coronet, and when I am cold a coat of arms does not warm me.</p>
<p>I greatly fear, said the reporter, with a playful hiccup, that you have run against a high-toned town. Most all the first-class boarding houses here are run by ladies of the old Southern families, the very first in the land.</p>
<p>I am now desperate, said the Representative, as he chewed a tack awhile, thinking it was a clove. I want to find a boarding house where the proprietress was an orphan found in a livery stable, whose father was a dago from East Austin, and whose grandfather was never placed on the map. I want a scrubby, ornery, low-down, snuff-dipping, back-woodsy, piebald gang, who never heard of finger bowls or Ward McAllister, but who can get up a mess of hot cornbread and Irish stew at regular market quotations.</p>
<p>Is there such a place in Austin?</p>
<p>“The snake reporter sadly shook his head. I do not know, he said, but I will shake you for the beer.</p>
<p>Ten minutes later the slate in the Blue Ruin saloon bore two additional characters: 10.</p>
<p>“Well, I got out of there, and I went to some other places. The next lady was a cousin of General Mahone of Virginia, and wanted four dollars an hour for a back room with a pink motto and a Burnet granite bed in it. The next one was an aunt of Davy Crockett, and asked eight dollars a day for a room furnished in imitation of the Alamo, with prunes for breakfast and one hours conversation with her for dinner. Another one said she was a descendant of Benedict Arnold on her fathers side and Captain Kidd on the other.</p>
<p>“She took more after Captain Kidd.</p>
<p>“She only had one meal and prayers a day, and counted her society worth $100 a week.</p>
<p>“I found nine widows of Supreme Judges, twelve relicts of Governors and Generals, and twenty-two ruins left by various happy Colonels, Professors, and Majors, who valued their aristocratic worth from $90 to $900 per week, with weak-kneed hash and dried apples on the side. I admire people of fine descent, but my stomach yearns for pork and beans instead of culture. Am I not right?</p>
<p>Your words,” said the reporter, “convince me that you have uttered what you have said.”</p>
<p>“Thanks. You see how it is. I am not wealthy; I have only my per diem and my perquisites, and I cannot afford to pay for high lineage and moldy ancestors. A little corned beef goes further with me than a coronet, and when I am cold a coat of arms does not warm me.</p>
<p>I greatly fear,” said the reporter, with a playful hiccup, “that you have run against a high-toned town. Most all the first-class boarding houses here are run by ladies of the old Southern families, the very first in the land.</p>
<p>I am now desperate,” said the Representative, as he chewed a tack awhile, thinking it was a clove. “I want to find a boarding house where the proprietress was an orphan found in a livery stable, whose father was a dago from East Austin, and whose grandfather was never placed on the map. I want a scrubby, ornery, low-down, snuff-dipping, back-woodsy, piebald gang, who never heard of finger bowls or Ward McAllister, but who can get up a mess of hot cornbread and Irish stew at regular market quotations.</p>
<p>Is there such a place in Austin?”</p>
<p>The snake reporter sadly shook his head. “I do not know,” he said, “but I will shake you for the beer.”</p>
<p>Ten minutes later the slate in the Blue Ruin saloon bore two additional characters: 10.</p>
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